The knowledge that I will have to do such a performance in the near future captures my every thought until the event. During the performance, stimulation is coming at me from all angles. I am faced with surprising situations, one after the other. Furthermore, the reactions and judgement of my audience weigh heavily upon me, as I can feel their opinions so strongly. And under the pressure, there is no time to process one feeling before the next one has arrived. The stimulation from before and during the performance builds up so much, that the torture continues and even increases after the event is over. After it's over, I'm faced with the recurrent thoughts and sharp permanence of what has been said and done.
The entire experience is paralyzing.
You see, at my medical school, we have graded assignments called "standardized patient." I'm required to act as "doctor" to a "patient" who is an actor, faking a medical history and symptoms. The encounter and following documentation is strictly timed. And the entire performance is video taped, to be watched later by peers and actual physicians where they grade your every move and word. You have a general idea what to expect, and you can practice general history taking and exam skills. But every time I go into that room with that camera and the clock running, those darn actor patients never fail to surprise me. I have simply concluded that I cannot know what to expect. And that terrifies me.
I have found that nothing I do helps. I can practice more, pray more, alter my mindset about the situation. But no matter what, when I get in there, it feels like pure chaos. I barely have time to think about what my mouth is going to say or what my hands are going to do next before it's happening before my eyes. But time is limited, and I must keep moving.
The fear of the unknown in the days before my test are paralyzing. I can't seem to focus on anything else. My sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive. I can feel my muscles tensing up at the thought of what's to come. And there is the is dull, aching, continuous pain, which is essentially fear, in the background of whatever I do. Nothing makes it better.
The week or so following each of my standardized patient encounters has elicited some of the darkest times of my life. I feel worse than before, because I realize I can't change what's been recorded on that video. (I've discovered that permanence is an HSP's enemy.)I have tried everything in my power to get my mind off the performance - watch a movie, exercise, spend time with friends, even talk it out with someone. But the nightmares never fail to sneak up on me. I won't have thought about my performance all day - and then I close my eyes: like a tsunami, the entire encounter is replayed in my head against my control. Every word and every action is replayed, but this time with intense criticism and deep regret. I fight it, but it always wins. I may manage to fall asleep. But then I dream of the encounter and wake up with intense memories of it. It's inescapable. It's the most peculiar thing I've ever experienced. And that constant underlying pain takes a while to go away. Like many other dark times, only time can heal. Maybe one day, I'll be lucky enough to discover another solution.
Tomorrow is my next standardized patient exam.Wish me luck.
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