"Most HSPs are utterly unsuited for the inhumane grind required unfortunately by most medical schools."
Wow. What a powerful statement. Really? Utterly unsuited?
Well unfortunatly for me, I read this statement in Dr. Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person, while I was already in medical school. Oops.
I understand her point. She was giving an example of a career that might be not be the best fit for an HSP. And she was making a point that there are careers that are more suitable for an HSP.
But for some reason those words hit me very strongly. I saw my life in a way I had never seen it before. Before applying, I had agonized over the the decision of whether to go to medical school or not. My main reason for not going was the extent of the commitment - 4 years of school followed by 3+ years of required residency before I could even think about starting a family. But I loved science, and wanted to maximize my abilities at it in a useful way. Once I got accepted, I knew that I couldn't say no to the opportunity that only a few get to be trained to become a doctor.
But would I have made the same decision if I had read this book, or specifically this statement before starting medical school? When I decided to attend, I felt that medical school was the perfect fit for me. Now it didn't seem so perfect. In fact, suddenly it seemed like the worst career choice I could possibly have made.
I seriously considered dropping out. But I was too far in. I had already invested enough "blood, sweat and tears" into the project, that I couldn't bring myself to abandon it. Not to mention all the people I would let down. With the shear realization that things were going to get much worse before they got better, I decided to continue in the "inhumane grind" of medical school.
I'll admit that at the start of school, this appalling statement above felt true. The pressure of exams, assignments, performances, and grades while maintaining friendships and my spiritual life was over-stimulating to say the least. But soon I adjusted to the routine and the stimulation eased up a bit. But everyday is still a challenge. I have to deal with the normal stimulation that every HSP deals with - social interactions, sensitivity to noise and pain etc. - plus all the stimulation from medical school. Even non-HSPs are overwhelmed by medical school.
But God's grace has brought me through everyday. Through some other resources, which I will share in a later post, I was challenged to see my high sensitivity in a more positive light. I began to think "can I overcome this insane statement by actually using my high sensitivity as an advantage in the medical field?" "Rather than merely existing as an HSP in a non-HSP dominated career, can I choose to instead thrive?"
I have yet to fully understand this, but I do believe the potential is there. First, I hope to connect with my patients at a deeper level. If I let myself, I can feel other people's feelings like they are my own. I've had to block this as a protective mechanism; but what if I can tap into it again? Second, I hope to be more attentive to details that patients may share that can help me in their diagnosis and treatment. As an HSP, I am very thorough and detail oriented; I hope to use this to make me a better doctor.
I'll share more details and stories as they come. This is just some introductory thoughts into my world. I am confident that I will not allow being an HSP to hinder me from thriving in medical school and someday being a good doctor; even better, I'm hopeful that my unique trait will make me a better doctor. The bottom line is, I'm optimistic. That's the first step, right?
I reached a breaking point tonight. Like a curling-up-in-a-corner-and-crying-about-everything-for-a-hour kind of break down. These happen far to often to me as an HSP trying to survive in among my non-HSP medical student friends. This week, the stimulation built up from attending too many social events. I had to convince myself to skip my third social event of the week tonight. I hate missing out. But I must take care of myself. God has just felt far away recently. In my mind, I know He is never far. But my heart could not feel it. But something interesting always happens to me when I reach these breaking points - I am always faced with the decision to either handle them on my own or turn to God. I have found the former option to lead to nothing but a deeper plunge into the darkness of my breaking point. But the latter - seems almost impossible to reach from the dark abyss. You must truly plead and reach up and grasp with all the strength you have left to ask for help. But it's always worth it. God is always there to pick you up and pull you out of the ocean of stimulation you are drowning in. Here are two thoughts related to this: 1. God never changes. He is always good, always faithful, ALWAYS there. If it feels like He is not, we are the ones that need to step closer. You don't even have to believe it - it is just the absolute truth from God's word. "For the Lord is good, and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Psalm 100:5 "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." ~Hebrews 13:5 These are just a few examples. Read any book of the Bible, and you will see that's God's faithfulness to his people never changes. He always keeps His promises. I get overstimulated; my world feels and often genuinely is complete chaos. But God is stable. He's not overwhelmed, and offers complete peace if we run back into His arms. A supplementary song: "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. You are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me...
2. "What if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?" This is a hard one that you won't understand until you have experienced it. Each time that I reach my breaking point and choose to call out to God I have this realization: God loves me so much and wants me to turn to him so much that he was willing to allow me to reach this breaking point so I had no choice but to restore my relationship with Him. I don't believe that God necessarily causes the suffering. We live in a broken world, and that's why we suffer. God turns that suffering into something beautiful. Then, believe it or not, I am thankful for the hard times! It's crazy, I know, but I truly am. Because it restores me to the very relationships that I was created for. The pain is worth it because it brings me back to the Only One who can truly pick up all my broken pieces and put them back together. The suffering makes me a stronger person. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces persevereance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ~Romans 5:3-5 Another supplementary song, because I can relate so much to worship music. "Blessings" by Laura Story:
So remember this through whatever hard time you are facing (HSP or not) - God never changes, no matter how far away He may feel; and use the hard times to point you up toward that God who never changes rather than further down.
