Sensitivity, Anxiety, and Depression

I had never felt so sick in my life. Suddenly, the nausea became so severe that I could feel my stomach and esophagus cramping in reverse peristalsis like they were trying to eject a toxic poison form my body as fast as possible. I ran to the bathroom, but could not bring myself to vomit. All of my limbs began to shake out of my control and I felt a tingling sensation everywhere from the skin on my face to my toes. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I had an overwhelming certainty that this was probably what it felt like to be dying. 

No one else was home and I didn't know what else to do, so I called a friend. I expressed my fear over what unknown phenomenon was happening in my body. Then in an emotional outburst, I expressed the frustrations I had experienced in school that day. 

Then like a switch,  I felt better. The nausea resolved, the trembling stopped. 

It felt like I had been sick for hours. I was surprised to look at the time and realize that only mere minutes had passed. 

Then it hit me. I had just had a panic attack. 

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I've always wondered if I have depression. By that I mean depression that can be clinically diagnosed as such. I can't objectively see the line between my feelings being due to being an HSP and actual clinical depression. 

Recently I have also begun to wonder if I have some type of anxiety disorder. Someone recently pointed out to me that I am constantly anxious, and that this aspect of my life was likely hindering my learning and education. 

I've taken countless online quizzes that attempt to determine if I have these disorders. They almost always say I do not. Maybe it's just because I know what the answers should be. No I have not "lost interest in things I used to enjoy." I've just never had hobbies. And no I do not "live in constant fear that something bad is going to happen." I just try very hard to keep everything in my control so it does not overwhelm me. 

Whether or not my symptoms meet DSM-V criteria for a psychological disorder, the reality is that these aspect of my life cause me enough grief and diminished quality of life, that I feel they are worth seeking out and addressing. But what then? I'm terrified of actually talking a doctor about this. Then other people may find out about it and see right through the happy-put-together person I have worked so hard to build in my life. Or the doctor will just think I'm a hypochondriac medical student. 

But the idea of getting help makes me so excited. I dream of talking to a Christian counselor and actually not feeling trapped in my head and my cycle of thoughts. I dream of taking a pill that can actually stabilize my mood, my anxiety, my emotions. 

On the other hand, I question if anything like that will ever actually work. Even worse, I question if I actually need it. I worry that I may manipulate a doctor into giving me something that is not what I need.  I worry that I'm just trying to use this "depression and anxiety thing" as an excuse for my laziness in taking care of myself emotionally and physically. Perhaps this is all my fault. 

I worry that my family and friends will start to see this as a bigger deal than it is, making it even worse for me. Maybe what I'm really afraid of is the label. 

But until I try it, I will always wonder whether taking and antidepressant could improve my quality of life. I wish there was more info out there about HSPs and their experience with taking antidepressants. I've googled the topic with very little success. 

Maybe one of these days, I'll just have to get over my fears and try. But you see, that is just the problem...