Paralyzed

For me as an HSP, live performance, specifically unrehearsed, can be a tremendous challenge. 

The knowledge that I will have to do such a performance in the near future captures my every thought until the event. During the performance, stimulation is coming at me from all angles. I am faced with surprising situations, one after the other. Furthermore, the reactions and judgement of my audience weigh heavily upon me, as I can feel their opinions so strongly. And under the pressure, there is no time to process one feeling before the next one has arrived. The stimulation from before and during the performance builds up so much, that the torture continues and even increases after the event is over. After it's over, I'm faced with the recurrent thoughts and sharp permanence of what has been said and done. 

The entire experience is paralyzing. 

You see, at my medical school, we have graded assignments called "standardized patient." I'm required to act as "doctor" to a "patient" who is an actor, faking a medical history and symptoms. The encounter and following documentation is strictly timed. And the entire performance is video taped, to be watched later by peers and actual physicians where they grade your every move and word. You have a general idea what to expect, and you can practice general history taking and exam skills. But every time I go into that room with that camera and the clock running, those darn actor patients never fail to surprise me. I have simply concluded that I cannot know what to expect. And that terrifies me. 

I have found that nothing I do helps. I can practice more, pray more, alter my mindset about the situation. But no matter what, when I get in there, it feels like pure chaos. I barely have time to think about what my mouth is going to say or what my hands are going to do next before it's happening before my eyes. But time is limited, and I must keep moving. 

The fear of the unknown in the days before my test are paralyzing. I can't seem to focus on anything else. My sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive. I can feel my muscles tensing up at the thought of what's to come. And there is the is dull, aching, continuous pain, which is essentially fear,  in the background of whatever I do. Nothing makes it better. 

The week or so following each of my standardized patient encounters has elicited some of the darkest times of my life. I feel worse than before, because I realize I can't change what's been recorded on that video. (I've discovered that permanence is an HSP's enemy.)I have tried everything in my power to get my mind off the performance - watch a movie, exercise, spend time with friends, even talk it out with someone. But the nightmares never fail to sneak up on me. I won't have thought about my performance all day - and then I close my eyes: like a tsunami, the entire encounter is replayed in my head against my control. Every word and every action is replayed, but this time with intense criticism and deep regret.  I fight it, but it always wins. I may manage to fall asleep. But then I dream of the encounter and wake up with intense memories of it. It's inescapable. It's the most peculiar thing I've ever experienced. And that constant underlying pain takes a while to go away. Like many other dark times, only time can heal. Maybe one day, I'll be lucky enough to discover another solution. 

Tomorrow is my next standardized patient exam.Wish me luck. 

HSP Devotional Series - Everything I Need

I'm always looking for Bible verses and worship songs that I feel can be particularly encouraging for HSPs.

And I would hate for readers of this blog to think that I always have only negative feeling about being an HSP.

So I'm starting what I'm going to call the "HSP Devotional Series." I'll post stuff that has been encouraging to me and that hopefully can be encouraging to others who share my feelings.

Dr. Elaine Aron in her book says that HSPs can be more religious or spiritual. My faith in God means everything to me and extends way deeper into my soul even than being an HSP does. I hope to share that part of my self through this devotional series. 

For this first one, I'm posting a song by Kutless called "Everything I Need." It's lyrics ring so true to the feelings I often express when I feel overwhelmed or overstimulated by life. And it always seems to play on my Pandora at the exact time that I need it. The words just capture my attention and resonate in my heart. Specially the verse I have bolded below. Here they are:

When every step is so hard to take
And all of my hope is fading away
When life is a mountain that I can not climb
You carry me, Jesus carry me.

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

When every moment is more than I can take
And all of my strength is slipping away
When every breath gets harder to breathe
You carry me, Jesus carry me

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

I need You
You are everything
I need I love everything about You

You Are strength in my weakness
You are the refuge I seek
You are everything in my time of need
You are everything, You are everything I need

Emails in Black Holes

Many things bother me as an HSP, but one causes me particular troubles: when I send an email that contains a request or question and do not get a response. 

I know people are busy. Yes, I realize that answering my emails is not on the top of everyone's to-do list. 

But if an email I am sending contains a serious question or request, I have likely spent an extended period of time crafting every sentence, word, and punctuation mark. I add smiley faces to lighten the tone, and delete smiley faces where I feel they are unprofessional. I space my paragraphs out so that I don't overwhelm my readers with long ones, or clump together ideas and thought that don't belong together. I reread, edit, reread, and repeat. 

But once I hit that send button, my email slips out into the black hole of the internet never to return. 

And all I can do it wait. 

The longer the response takes, the more frantic my thoughts become. Did I phrase my request incorrectly? Did my question come off as selfish? What does the person I am emailing think of me? Have they always hated me? What if I see them around before they have responded? Should I try to avoid them so things aren't awkward? Did I put them on the spot with my request? Are they not responding because they want to say "no" but don't have the guts to do it in a response? Do they see me as the annoying, strange person that I sometimes see myself as? Should I ever have even sent that email at all? 

Please, if you get an email from someone you know is an HSP, just respond. And if you're not sure if your email is from an HSP, just respond anyway. Even a "no" is so much better than waiting. 

Water Balloons [An HSP Metaphor]

I've been wanting to create a metaphor for what if feels like to be an HSP. Something that can help me explain and quantify my feelings when I'm overwhelmed. 

I've tried applying several ideas in my head, but only one has stuck: Water balloons. Strange, yes. But bear with me and I'll explain.  And, wait until the end of this post, and you'll better understand why I like it so much and believe it to be the best fit. 

The water balloons represent the daily stimulations that we all face. These include conversations, emotional responses and other emotional experiences, noises, information, and basically any experience you can think of. 

As we go throughout our day, they are thrown at us from all angles - some hit us from the front, others from the back. The water balloons themselves are neutral, but they can represent particularly positive and negative experiences. Some days only a few are thrown; other days, hundreds might be. A day spent at home might mean a few; a loud concert or a party might mean hundreds. And the water balloons thrown at HSP and non-HSPs do not differ - it is our response to them that does. 

You see, non-HSPs go about their day with ankle-length rain coats on. Some may even have umbrellas and rain boots. Bottom line is that they barely notice the water balloons. They might feel or notice one, but within seconds the water has splashed off and with minutes they are dry again. At the end of the day, they will feel the same whether they were hit with 3 balloons or 100. 

But as an HSP, I feel like I walk around in nothing but a light T-shirt. With each water balloon that is thrown, my shirt gets wetter and wetter. By the end of the day, I am soaked. I can't sleep at night because I'm waiting for my clothes to dry. I feel constantly weighed down by the weight of the water and the burden of the soaked T-shirt on my back. 

I instinctively try to avoid any situation where I know or fear I might get wetter. Sometimes throughout the day, I forget to watch out for too many balloons. I don't pay that much attention to my shirt and I feel ok, so I put myself in situations where I know I will get hit. I feel fine at the time. But then I get home. I get to a place where I'm by myself. And then I notice my clothes. Then I can't focus on anything, I can't think. 

As a med student, the water balloons are constant. The stimulation is constant throughout my day. Brief conversations with friends, several lectures a day, changes in temperature from inside to outside the building, my hunger for the next meal, a conversation with a professor, an exam, a group project, a graded performance...I could go on. Believe it or not, the more of these encounters I have, the worse I feel at the end of the day. Almost everyday, I feel "sick" with the burden of all the stimulation. 

So no wonder HSPs are always advised to avoid the stimulation if possible. We cannot control our responses. We are physiologically incapable of changing out of our T-shirts. 

I will expound on this metaphor more through other posts. This is just the start. 

Why do I like this metaphor so much? You see, during my worst, lowest times I truly feel like I am drowning in the stimulation. It's like all the water from the balloons and my T-shirt somehow become so overwhelming that they begin to engulf me. That feeling is only one you can understand if you have felt it. That feeling of utter helplessness to control your own emotions and surroundings. You feel like you can't see; like you can't breath. Some people might experience this occasionally as a result of trauma, grief, or loss. As a highly sensitive person, I experience this almost every day. 

The only thing that works is time. Given enough time, an ocean will dry, too. 

Purpose of the Blog

I feel everything. I feel everything deeply. And everything I feel overwhelms me.

I am a highly sensitive person. My whole life, I knew there was something different about me, particularly emotionally and socially. Then one day, I stumbled across Dr. Elaine Aron's website, hsperson.com, and I finally understood why.

Discovering this as a unique personality trait that I have been blessed with has helped me see myself in a more positive light. I now understand "why" - why I've had trouble sleeping my whole life, why I'm so quiet in large groups, why I don't enjoy loud parties, why I constantly need time alone. Don't misunderstand me - understanding "why" brings me great relief.

But my search to discover how to deal with my trait has not been so successful. You see, every HSP is unique, and I am no exception. In addition to being an HSP, I am a medical student and I am a Christian. Anyone familiar with the long, difficult process medical students must endure is certainly aware that this field is not HSP friendly. Yet it is my calling. More to come on this later.

So that is why I'm creating this blog. I hope to document certain aspects of my journey as a highly sensitive Christian and medical student, so that perhaps someone else in a similar position would benefit from this. I hope that someone will one day, in the desperate state I have so often reached, google search "highly sensitive medical student" or "highly sensitive Christian" and find that they are not alone. 

Furthermore,  I my secret hobby is writing. I have been writing extensive journal posts and poems long before discovering I was and HSP. It is a healthy form of release for me. So even if no one ever finds this blog, it shall serve it's purpose. 

But I sincerely hope others will find it. There is a ton of information about there about how to deal with high sensitivity. Most advice comes down to avoiding or limiting highly stimulating situations. But not so many explain how to overcome and thrive in such situations. I don't want to leave medical school, yet I desire to fully embrace my high sensitivity. My longing is to discover a way to use my high sensitivity to make me a better doctor and a even better Christian. Here is to hoping we can figure it out. 

[The link to an HSP test and website: http://www.hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/]