CC: I have an aching pain.
HPI: 23 yo female presents with dull aching pain that began this morning. She has difficulty localizing it and describes it as "all over." Pain is a constant 7/10, but can become a sharp 10/10 at times. Better with studying and staying busy, worse after conversations, comments, and quiet time for thought. She states she experiences episodes like this several times a week.
PMH: Recurrent headaches, paresthesias of the face and limbs, insomnia
Physical exam: no remarkable findings.
Plan: supportive care; should resolve on it's own given enough time.
If you haven't figured out already, this patient is me. Why do I put my feeling into the format of a documented medical note? Because that's exactly how I feel. I feel sick. But medically, I'm not.
Everything is just so overwhelming right now - school, my relationships, loneliness, doubting my identity.
As if that's not enough, the one place I'm trying to go for comfort is only adding to my stimulation.
The truth is, right now, my relationship with God is just one more thing that can contribute to my over stimulation. I sit there and try to talk to God but I get overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, responsibility, even the things I want to say. Then I try to read the Bible, and it's like I can't get through a verse without feeling so confused about everything it could possibly relate to or mean. I know I'm highly sensitive, but I think I'm even extra sensitized right now. Anything and everything is pushing me off the edge. Not just making me a little upset, but like making me go crazy.
This has always been a struggle with me in my walk with God. I don't read the Bible because I don't know where to start. I don't pray because I start and then I realize there are so many things I could be praying for and I have no way of prioritizing them. I sit in church and it seems like there are a million points the pastor makes that I need to work on or meditate on. I can't remember them all for sure, so then I just shut down and remember none of them. I've always struggled with this, but never like now.
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I hate being highly sensitive. I just wish I could handle everything. I wish I was strong enough. And I wish I could just talk to God. I know God is still there watching out for me. But I just feel too helpless and overwhelmed to enjoy my relationships with Him right now.
All I'm saying is something has got to go so I can stay sane. And unfortunately it's not going to be school right now. I simply don't feel like it's a choice. Or maybe it's a choice I made a some other point with consequences now. I hate to say it, but right now, what's going to happen is inevitable.
