I can't stop thinking. No matter how hard I try, something else fills my mind.
In life, there is so much to be thinking about and planning for. For some reason, my mind feels it's best to try to think about ALL of these things at the SAME TIME. After I complete a long list of things, I fool myself into thinking I'm free for at least a little bit. But no! My mind is quick to immediately begin making the next list of things that I need to do.
I believe this has to do with being an HSP. My mind is sensitive to all the upcoming deadlines and works excessively to make a calendar and map in my head of everything. I refuse to write lists down because I fear that I can never write everything down, and my mind will continue to work to remember those things I have forgotten to write down. Lists simply aren't worth it. Give me a deadline, and I immediately plug it into this virtual calendar I have at the forefront of my brain. It's a form of obsessiveness over the next activity.
The problem with this is that I can't think. Wait, you may say, isn't that what you're doing? Well, yes. But I can't think for myself. It's like this internal clock and calendar controls me. It's like I'm an observer in my own life as this person that resembles me goes through all the motions. Suddenly, I realize I've checked almost everything off the list, but forgot to enjoy it or have any feelings about it as all.
But aren't HSPs supposed to have a lot of feelings? Yes, we are. I've been trying to figure this one out. I'm sure I'm an HSP, but looking at my life this way seems inconsistent. I almost wonder if it's some kind of defense mechanism I've put into place to protect myself from feeling everything. Maybe one aspect of my high sensitivity (the planning aspect) has at some point overpowered the extremely emotional one.
And this bothers me. It bothers me that I've accomplished so many things in life but haven't truly enjoyed them. It bothers me that this internal calendar controls me nearly more than my own free will does. It bothers me that I can't even sit for a minute without feeling guilty that I'm not actively checking things off my list; even if I can't think of them at that moment, part of me just knows they are there and if they are I should be working on them. I can't imagine missing a deadline.
And it bothers me more when I'm not busy. When I'm busy, I can't feel guilty cause I'm doing something that can be checked off the list. If there is stuff I'm forgetting, then I don't feel as bad about forgetting it or putting it off, well because I'm busy with other stuff on the list that I have deemed more important. When I'm not busy, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't enjoy anything fun till I know the list is complete. Which it never is.
The conclusion? Well, there isn't one. This is just how I am. This is why I can't enjoy my relationship with God. Devotions and prayer just become another thing on the checklist, which takes the meaning out of them. If I try to actually spend time talking to God or trying to meditate on His word, my mind just gets flooded with the stupid list. I literally am always thinking about the next activity before the current one is even over.
Yeah, this is complicated.
