That Terrifying Leap of Faith

I finally read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I feel like it was the popular thing to read in Christian circle like 7 years ago, but I never read it then. 


Overall, I enjoyed it. While it did not seem to present anything that I hadn't heard before, it sure did discuss some topics I haven't heard about in a long time. 

Two quotes from the book that I can't get out of my mind: 

"But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."

"I wrote this book because much of our talk doesn't match our lives. We say things like, 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,' and 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart.' Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises."

I haven't thought about that terrifying leap of faith in a long time. I thrive off my planning. I am that person who says I trust God, but has a backup plan worked out to the very last detail in case God doesn't come through. That's simply not trust. And you know what? It's that excessive planning and trying with everything I have to maintain control that causes most of my anxiety. 

So where do we draw the line between radical trust and irresponsibility? I just can't not have a plan. That seems foolish. But there are so many stories of people who radically trust God and don't plan a thing - and God works it all out. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 --

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." 

I'm addicted to leaning on my own understanding. This is one area I feel that God is really trying to teach me to work on right now. He's tried to teach me this before, but I've just sort of wiggled my way out of it by starting to plan again and just never taking that leap of faith. 

I desperately want more faith, and I think putting myself in a situation like this will help. For me at this point, that may mean sacrificing a fourth year rotation - which I should be using to prepare me for residency - to go back to Honduras. But it just doesn't make sense. I can't see how spending a month in Honduras will prepare me for the intensity of intern year in internal medicine. But I realized I haven't had peace about my fourth year schedule and maybe this is why. But that's the thing - I love to talk about taking this leap of faith. The idea of going on an adventure and giving God full control is exciting. But when it comes down to actually making the decisions and taking the steps for it, I always chicken out. I just don't yet have the faith I need to get me to the place where I can gain the faith that I want. 

I do trust God. Before my first biology exam of college 7 years ago I remember praying, "God, I've done my part, I leave the rest to you." My planning and studying was first. It was the primary thing I was depending on. Then I asked God to compensate for whatever weaknesses  I had left. I'm now wondering if this is proper way to have faith. It's mediocre trust that doesn't maximize God's potential. It makes it about me when it should all be about Him. 

Now the question is -- will I take that terrifying leap of faith or continue to settle for mediocre trust? 

A Diagnosis

I walked out of the doctor's office with a pile of papers. A welcome packet, a copy of my insurance card, and an appointment card with my follow up. In the midst of all that was a "visit summary." I glanced at the section titled "Diagnoses from Today's Visit." Was this for real? 

"Generalized Anxiety Disorder."

Just to make things even more interesting, I looked under "New Medications." 

"Lexapro 10 mg per day." 

How did this even happen? What pushed me to finally go see a doctor with my deepest darkest secrets? Two reasons: It was getting worse and I had had enough. I couldn't live one more day trapped inside my mind. 

I haven't been praying much. But before this appointment, I prayed that I would be able to accurately represent how I feel in words to this doctor. And that's exactly what happened. He had no questions at all about my diagnosis or my need for treatment. It was simple - I have anxiety and it interferes with my ability to function normally; therefore, it warrants treatment. 

The simple, objective view was so refreshing. Finally, my troubles were out there and no longer running in circles around my mind. Before I knew it, I had agreed to try an SSRI. It felt like a rushed decision at the time, but 2 weeks later, I'm confident it was the right one. I couldn't make it one more day without doing something. I couldn't just sit around and keep waiting for things to get better when I knew they would not. 

In describing my anxiety to him, I explained how social situations are often the trigger for my anxiety. Then he asked a question that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. "Do you think you have had some elements of social anxiety your whole life?" I had to think for a minute, but then suddenly it all made sense. The answer was "YES!" I was being so critical into my own life to diagnose myself with something like that. "It isn't bad enough to be social anxiety" I always convinced myself. But hearing him say it made it click. Even reading my old blog posts on this site, it's so clear I have social anxiety. It's not my fault that I've always had a hard time making friends! You have no idea how refreshing that reality is. 

I'm sure you are wondering how I'm doing on the Lexapro. Objectively in these 2 weeks so far, my anxiety has pretty much been the same. However, something about me started feeling better the moment I took that first pill. The reason is that I was finally doing something about my mental struggles! There is finally some kind of hope. I'm patient. I've been struggling with these feelings my whole life. I can wait a few more weeks for the medicine to start working. And I hope it really does. 

So there you have it. I am an HSP, but that's not the whole picture. I also have generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. While I hate the idea of having a "mental illness," the more I think about it the more I realize what a perfect fit it is for me to explain so many of my problems. Already, so much of the guilt is gone. And with a diagnosis comes a cure. There is hope. There is finally hope that I can be free from the dark place that is my mind.