Rejection hurts everyone. It's part of being human: we long to be accepted. But I am thoroughly convinced that rejection hurts me deeper and longer as an HSP. I've written on my "emotional pain." Rejection plays a major role in this.
In one of the lists I am ever so affectionate about, here are the reasons:
1. As a highly sensitive person, I am more aware of rejection. I pick up on the subtlest comments people make that may indicate that they don't want me there. For example, I was supposed to spend the whole day with someone tomorrow. In a passing comment, they said "you have other plans for the afternoon, right?" Yes, this could be viewed in many ways. But given the context, my sensitivity immediately made me aware that this person was hoping that I would NOT be spending the afternoon with them. I could be wrong, but I trust my sensitivity. This person did not know that I had changed my plans to ensure that my day would be spent entirely with them. They obviously do not feel as strongly about spending the entire day with me. [For the record, this is not a guy I am interested in, and it's not even a male for that matter!]
Anyway, this is just one example. I am constantly aware of people's lack of a smile in response to my "good morning." I can even tell when someone is faking a smile. When people don't express an interest in me enough to simply ask me how my day is going or how I'm doing that morning, to me that is a form of rejection. Call me too sensitive. But it's how I feel. And it is NOT a choice or a method of applying self pity. I would give anything not to feel this way.
2. As an HSP, I have a much stronger response to this rejection. See my previous post on my insomnia and fear of lying in bed. I won't re-hash all the thoughts I expressed there, but rejection plays a major role in those feelings and issues. It's like the feelings people experience after a break up. But exponentially worse because it is in response to much smaller things. When someone doesn't smile back and you or doesn't want to spend an afternoon with you and you go home and feel hurt and cry like you just ended a serious long term romantic relationship, something is not right. It's just not normal. And again, NOT a choice. Sometime I just hurt, and I have to just allow my brain to over-analyze the day before I uncover the minor rejection that occurred hours ago but is subconsciously still haunting me.
3. I have adapted a "quiet personality" due to my intense fear of facing this rejection. If I just don't talk, then no one will notice me and have a chance to reject me. If I don't engage in conversation, I markedly decrease my risk of being rejected. This is one of the reasons I have become known as "shy" in my life. I have subconsciously hidden behind my introversion to avoid rejection because I know how bad it can hurt me. Now, I just feel like people reject me because I'm so quiet in social settings. I hate to be so pessimistic, but this cycle just never ends for me, does it?
Rejection hurts. Rejection hurts HSPs even more both because they are more aware of it and because they feel it so much stronger. To other HSPs out there who feel this: you are not alone. Comment below and share your experiences and examples.
Please don't reject this post or I might cry. But seriously.
Tonight, I'm scared to get into bed.
My bed is just a dark place. I reach a dark place way to often there.
The recurrent thoughts have been haunting me. Even more, the fear of them has. I've always had them, but I've recently become keenly aware of the severe distress they cause me.
Why I'm scared to go to bed (in a nice list):
1. As soon as I'm alone with my thoughts, my brain replays the entire day for me. Every thought, every action, every feeling, every decision. The over stimulation is severe and completely out of my control.
2. These thoughts occur regardless of the nature of the stimulation. I had a good day today. And exciting day. Apparently a little too exciting for my highly sensitive spirit. But essentially, any day with any stimulation at all is to "exciting" for me. Combine that with a few negative feelings from the day, and you have World War III inside my poor mind.
3. Over-stimulation --> recurring thoughts --> Depressive thoughts. Enough said.
4. These thoughts occur particularly when I lay down to go to sleep. Sometimes it even wakes me up in the middle of the night or carries on into my dreams. As long as I'm up, I can potentially distract myself from allowing the thoughts to invade. It's like all day I try with all my strength to hold up the dam of my feelings from the stimulation. But I am so weak. As soon as I close my eyes and try to relax, the dam breaks and I become flooded. It's painful and scary and completely out of my control. And it's inevitable.
5. These feelings are completely out of my control. I've kinda said this point already, but I repeat it because this is the part that bothers me the most. Why can't I control myself? Why can't I have some sort of say in how my heart responds to things? Why does every little thing bother me, despite how much I attempt to convince myself it's only a little thing? Too many questions, and not enough answers.
6. I've never heard anyone else express this struggle. This leads me into a cycle of self pity and extreme shame. I've googled, read blogs, read books. I can't seem to find anyone else out there with this same problem.
I'm usually better by morning, but not always. It's always 100 times worse at night though.
Things I've tried and their success rates (so you can't say I didn't try):
1. Television. Really the thing I try to use the most, which is ironic because it's essentially always ineffective. Sometime even counter-productive because I begin to dwell on the fact that my life will never be as happy or perfect as that of the fictional characters.
2. Music. Once the emotional effects and feelings wear off, the dam comes crashing in.
3. "Art therapy." I'm not an artist, but using the drawing app on my tablet or just coloring or sketching a bit is actually a little helpful in relieving the stimulation. The problem with this is it often takes too much effort out of my already worn body. And I actually have to have something I want to draw or at least try drawing for this to work. Same idea with writing, which I also enjoy.
4. Meds. Your typical tyelnol, advil, benadryl, other sleep aids like melatonin. I also have a prescription for migraines/tension headaches that I take (always as prescribed). These help with what they were made to help with, which is not emotional pain, no matter how much I try to tell myself otherwise.
5. Talking it out with someone. Actually makes it worse, no matter who the person is. All I end up with is another stimulating conversation to dwell on.
6. Praying. I thought this one was supposed to work?
Things I know might help, but I can't bring myself far enough out of my deep pit to try:
1. Reading the Bible or listening to sermons.
2. Writing down positive or thankful thoughts.
3. Exercise. Plus I truly hate exercise, you guys have no idea.
The only thing that brings me some comfort is this remote idea: God has a plan in allowing me to experience this pain. It's part of some big picture that I can't see yet.
And I just have to hold on to that for now.
Off to bed I go. Wish me luck.
