"Generalized Anxiety Disorder."
Just to make things even more interesting, I looked under "New Medications."
"Lexapro 10 mg per day."
How did this even happen? What pushed me to finally go see a doctor with my deepest darkest secrets? Two reasons: It was getting worse and I had had enough. I couldn't live one more day trapped inside my mind.
I haven't been praying much. But before this appointment, I prayed that I would be able to accurately represent how I feel in words to this doctor. And that's exactly what happened. He had no questions at all about my diagnosis or my need for treatment. It was simple - I have anxiety and it interferes with my ability to function normally; therefore, it warrants treatment.
The simple, objective view was so refreshing. Finally, my troubles were out there and no longer running in circles around my mind. Before I knew it, I had agreed to try an SSRI. It felt like a rushed decision at the time, but 2 weeks later, I'm confident it was the right one. I couldn't make it one more day without doing something. I couldn't just sit around and keep waiting for things to get better when I knew they would not.
In describing my anxiety to him, I explained how social situations are often the trigger for my anxiety. Then he asked a question that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. "Do you think you have had some elements of social anxiety your whole life?" I had to think for a minute, but then suddenly it all made sense. The answer was "YES!" I was being so critical into my own life to diagnose myself with something like that. "It isn't bad enough to be social anxiety" I always convinced myself. But hearing him say it made it click. Even reading my old blog posts on this site, it's so clear I have social anxiety. It's not my fault that I've always had a hard time making friends! You have no idea how refreshing that reality is.
I'm sure you are wondering how I'm doing on the Lexapro. Objectively in these 2 weeks so far, my anxiety has pretty much been the same. However, something about me started feeling better the moment I took that first pill. The reason is that I was finally doing something about my mental struggles! There is finally some kind of hope. I'm patient. I've been struggling with these feelings my whole life. I can wait a few more weeks for the medicine to start working. And I hope it really does.
So there you have it. I am an HSP, but that's not the whole picture. I also have generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. While I hate the idea of having a "mental illness," the more I think about it the more I realize what a perfect fit it is for me to explain so many of my problems. Already, so much of the guilt is gone. And with a diagnosis comes a cure. There is hope. There is finally hope that I can be free from the dark place that is my mind.
