Overall, I enjoyed it. While it did not seem to present anything that I hadn't heard before, it sure did discuss some topics I haven't heard about in a long time.
Two quotes from the book that I can't get out of my mind:
"But God doesn't
call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are
unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He
doesn't come through."
"I wrote this book because much of our talk doesn't
match our lives. We say things like, 'I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me,' and 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart.' Then we live and
plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything
will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding
nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His
promises."
I haven't thought about that terrifying leap of faith in a long time. I thrive off my planning. I am that person who says I trust God, but has a backup plan worked out to the very last detail in case God doesn't come through. That's simply not trust. And you know what? It's that excessive planning and trying with everything I have to maintain control that causes most of my anxiety.
So where do we draw the line between radical trust and irresponsibility? I just can't not have a plan. That seems foolish. But there are so many stories of people who radically trust God and don't plan a thing - and God works it all out.
Proverbs 3:5-6 --
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."
I'm addicted to leaning on my own understanding. This is one area I feel that God is really trying to teach me to work on right now. He's tried to teach me this before, but I've just sort of wiggled my way out of it by starting to plan again and just never taking that leap of faith.
I desperately want more faith, and I think putting myself in a situation like this will help. For me at this point, that may mean sacrificing a fourth year rotation - which I should be using to prepare me for residency - to go back to Honduras. But it just doesn't make sense. I can't see how spending a month in Honduras will prepare me for the intensity of intern year in internal medicine. But I realized I haven't had peace about my fourth year schedule and maybe this is why. But that's the thing - I love to talk about taking this leap of faith. The idea of going on an adventure and giving God full control is exciting. But when it comes down to actually making the decisions and taking the steps for it, I always chicken out. I just don't yet have the faith I need to get me to the place where I can gain the faith that I want.
I do trust God. Before my first biology exam of college 7 years ago I remember praying, "God, I've done my part, I leave the rest to you." My planning and studying was first. It was the primary thing I was depending on. Then I asked God to compensate for whatever weaknesses I had left. I'm now wondering if this is proper way to have faith. It's mediocre trust that doesn't maximize God's potential. It makes it about me when it should all be about Him.
Now the question is -- will I take that terrifying leap of faith or continue to settle for mediocre trust?
