I Only Wish I Could Trust

As the night grows darker
I fill it with vanity and lust
To hide from the deep pain 
Because I refuse to trust. 

The ache is just too strong!
I numbed, I cried, I cussed. 
I feel so weak and fragile 
But I still can't trust. 

I feel guilty it's all my fault! 
This pain is not unjust. 
I'm lost in another universe 
Where I just can't seem to trust.

I'm drowning, hopeless
My trophies collecting dust 
This could make me stronger. 
I only wish I could trust. 

Prisoner of My Own Mind

I can't stop thinking. No matter how hard I try, something else fills my mind. 

In life, there is so much to be thinking about and planning for. For some reason, my mind feels it's best to try to think about ALL of these things at the SAME TIME. After I complete a long list of things, I fool myself into thinking I'm free for at least a little bit. But no! My mind is quick to immediately begin making the next list of things that I need to do.

I believe this has to do with being an HSP. My mind is sensitive to all the upcoming deadlines and works excessively to make a calendar and map in my head of everything. I refuse to write lists down because I fear that I can never write everything down, and my mind will continue to work to remember those things I have forgotten to write down. Lists simply aren't worth it. Give me a deadline, and I immediately plug it into this virtual calendar I have at the forefront of my brain. It's a form of obsessiveness over the next activity. 

The problem with this is that I can't think. Wait, you may say, isn't that what you're doing? Well, yes. But I can't think for myself. It's like this internal clock and calendar controls me. It's like I'm an observer in my own life as this person that resembles me goes through all the motions. Suddenly, I realize I've checked almost everything off the list, but forgot to enjoy it or have any feelings about it as all. 

But aren't HSPs supposed to have a lot of feelings? Yes, we are. I've been trying to figure this one out. I'm sure I'm an HSP, but looking at my life this way seems inconsistent. I almost wonder if it's some kind of defense mechanism I've put into place to protect myself from feeling everything. Maybe one aspect of my high sensitivity (the planning aspect) has at some point overpowered the extremely emotional one. 

And this bothers me. It bothers me that I've accomplished so many things in life but haven't truly enjoyed them. It bothers me that this internal calendar controls me nearly more than my own free will does. It bothers me that I can't even sit for a minute without feeling guilty that I'm not actively checking things off my list; even if  I can't think of them at that moment, part of me just knows they are there and if they are I should be working on them. I can't imagine missing a deadline. 

And it bothers me more when I'm not busy. When I'm busy, I can't feel guilty cause I'm doing something that can be checked off the list. If there is stuff I'm forgetting, then I don't feel as bad about forgetting it or putting it off, well because I'm busy with other stuff on the list that I have deemed more important. When I'm not busy, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't enjoy anything fun till I know the list is complete. Which it never is. 

The conclusion? Well, there isn't one. This is just how I am. This is why I can't enjoy my relationship with God. Devotions and prayer just become another thing on the checklist, which takes the meaning out of them. If I try to actually spend time talking to God or trying to meditate on His word, my mind just gets flooded with the stupid list. I literally am always thinking about the next activity before the current one is even over. 

Yeah, this is complicated. 

When God is Overwhelming

5/4/2015, 3:30 pm

CC: I have an aching pain. 

HPI: 23 yo female presents with dull aching pain that began this morning. She has difficulty localizing it and describes it as "all over." Pain is a constant 7/10, but can become a sharp 10/10 at times. Better with studying and staying busy, worse after conversations, comments, and quiet time for thought. She states she experiences episodes like this several times a week.

PMH: Recurrent headaches, paresthesias of the face and limbs, insomnia 

Physical exam: no remarkable findings. 

Plan: supportive care; should resolve on it's own given enough time. 

If you haven't figured out already, this patient is me. Why do I put my feeling into the format of a documented medical note? Because that's exactly how I feel. I feel sick. But medically, I'm not.

Everything is just so overwhelming right now - school, my relationships, loneliness, doubting my identity.

As if that's not enough, the one place I'm trying to go for comfort is only adding to my stimulation.

The truth is, right now, my relationship with God is just one more thing that can contribute to my over stimulation. I sit there and try to talk to God but I get overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, responsibility, even the things I want to say. Then I try to read the Bible, and it's like I can't get through a verse without feeling so confused about everything it could possibly relate to or mean. I know I'm highly sensitive, but I think I'm even extra sensitized right now. Anything and everything is pushing me off the edge. Not just making me a little upset, but like making me go crazy.

This has always been a struggle with me in my walk with God. I don't read the Bible because I don't know where to start. I don't pray because I start and then I realize there are so many things I could be praying for and I have no way of prioritizing them. I sit in church and it seems like there are a million points the pastor makes that I need to work on or meditate on. I can't remember them all for sure, so then I just shut down and remember none of them. I've always struggled with this, but never like now.

I hate being highly sensitive. I just wish I could handle everything. I wish I was strong enough. And I wish I could just talk to God. I know God is still there watching out for me. But I just feel too helpless and overwhelmed to enjoy my relationships with Him right now.

All I'm saying is something has got to go so I can stay sane. And unfortunately it's not going to be school right now. I simply don't feel like it's a choice. Or maybe it's a choice I made a some other point with consequences now. I hate to say it, but right now, what's going to happen is inevitable.

Transgender?

This is a hot topic in the news and on YouTube right now, and for some reason I can't stop watching the videos or reading the articles. 

The purpose of this post is not to share an opinion or take sides. Transgender people are people. Until I have a reason not to, I trust this group of people on the feelings that they express. I hope and pray the Christian community will address these issues in an appropriate manner and far better than we did homosexuality at first. I hope we have learned to treat everyone with love and respect. (I guess I just kinda shared some opinion, didn't I?)  

Let me be clear, I am not transgender. I briefly considered that my obsession with watching videos about transgender people was some sort of subliminal message of feelings I had been repressing. But I'm certain it is not. I was born a female, and have always felt like a female. And for that, I feel lucky. Never thought I would say that. 

So why it is that I have been staying up till 2 am every night learning the stories of so many transgender people? Let's do what I do best - analyze myself. 

It could likely be curiosity, and that is definitely part of it. It's something new, and I want to be informed. Furthermore, I think this is particularly important for myself as a future physician. If I have a transgender patient, I hope they will feel comfortable with me caring for them. 

But it means much more to me. The truth is, I really feel like I can relate to the feelings these people are having. I know what's it's like to have inner turmoil. And I know what it's like to feel like you are alone in that turmoil and that nobody would ever even begin to understand if you tried to share. And then there's that hopeless belief that absolutely nothing can ever make it go away. 

So many of these transgender people have experienced deep pain on their journeys. Pain that they have felt they have to keep secret because it just wouldn't make sense to anyone else. They wish they could change a certain aspect of themselves, but feel stuck. It's just part of who they are. 

For far different reasons, that's how I feel as an HSP. I'm constantly overwhelmed by every detail I encounter in life. To the point that it seems ridiculous the things that bring me turmoil. I'm afraid no one can understand my feelings, so I've kept them a secret. I wish I could change my high sensitivity, but I can't. It's just part of who I am. 

I have been intentionally vague to avoid getting wrapped up in details and missing the point. If you are an HSP, you understand. 

I've found this is also true of how I can relate to people with depression and other mental illnesses. Something in me just resonates with them. Being an HSP is not a mental illness; but there are certain aspects to loosing control of your own mind and feelings that are constant with those of mental illness or gender dysphoria. No matter how hard you try, you can't make yourself think or feel the way you want or the way that believe you are supposed to feel. 

I hope I have not minimized what transgender people are going through. That was not my purpose.  Far more aspects of our individual journeys are very very different. But I think I've seen enough videos at this point to say I'm confident in the few correlations I expressed here. 

Do any other HSPs feel similar in how they can relate to transgender people or people with mental illness? I've kept this blog a secret to keep my secrets, well, secret. But I'm hoping people come across it. If you do, could you just comment on an article you can relate to or find interesting? I've said before that I am happy if no one ever finds this blog. And that is still true. But if someone does, I would certainly like to know about it. 

The Worst Career Choice Ever

"Most HSPs are utterly unsuited for the inhumane grind required unfortunately by most medical schools." 

Wow. What a powerful statement. Really? Utterly unsuited? 

Well unfortunatly for me, I read this statement in Dr. Elaine Aron's book The Highly Sensitive Person, while I was already in medical school. Oops. 

I understand her point. She was giving an example of a career that might be not be the best fit for an HSP. And she was making a point that there are careers that are more suitable for an HSP. 

But for some reason those words hit me very strongly. I saw my life in a way I had never seen it before. Before applying, I had agonized over the the decision of whether to go to medical school or not. My main reason for not going was the extent of the commitment - 4 years of school followed by 3+ years of required residency before I could even think about starting a family. But I loved science, and wanted to maximize my abilities at it in a useful way. Once I got accepted, I knew that I couldn't say no to the opportunity that only a few get to be trained to become a doctor. 

But would I have made the same decision if I had read this book, or specifically this statement before starting medical school? When I decided to attend, I felt that medical school was the perfect fit for me. Now it didn't seem so perfect. In fact, suddenly it seemed like the worst career choice I could possibly have made. 

I seriously considered dropping out. But I was too far in. I had already invested enough "blood, sweat and tears" into the project, that I couldn't bring myself to abandon it. Not to mention all the people I would let down. With the shear realization that things were going to get much worse before they got better, I decided to continue in the "inhumane grind" of medical school. 

I'll admit that at the start of school, this appalling statement above felt true. The pressure of exams, assignments, performances, and grades while maintaining friendships and my spiritual life was over-stimulating to say the least. But soon I adjusted to the routine and the stimulation eased up a bit. But everyday is still a challenge. I have to deal with the normal stimulation that every HSP deals with - social interactions, sensitivity to noise and pain etc. - plus all the stimulation from medical school. Even non-HSPs are overwhelmed by medical school. 

But God's grace has brought me through everyday. Through some other resources, which I will share in a later post, I was challenged to see my high sensitivity in a more positive light. I began to think "can I overcome this insane statement by actually using my high sensitivity as an advantage in the medical field?" "Rather than merely existing as an HSP in a non-HSP dominated career, can I choose to instead thrive?" 

I have yet to fully understand this, but I do believe the potential is there. First, I hope to connect with my patients at a deeper level. If I let myself, I can feel other people's feelings like they are my own. I've had to block this as a protective mechanism; but what if I can tap into it again? Second, I hope to be more attentive to details that patients may share that can help me in their diagnosis and treatment. As an HSP, I am very thorough and detail oriented; I hope to use this to make me a better doctor. 

I'll share more details and stories as they come. This is just some introductory thoughts into my world. I am confident that I will not allow being an HSP to hinder me from thriving in medical school and someday being a good doctor; even better, I'm hopeful that my unique trait will make me a better doctor. The bottom line is, I'm optimistic. That's the first step, right? 

HSP Devotional Series: When God Feels Far Away

I reached a breaking point tonight. Like a curling-up-in-a-corner-and-crying-about-everything-for-a-hour kind of break down. These happen far to often to me as an HSP trying to survive in among my non-HSP medical student friends. This week, the stimulation built up from attending too many social events. I had to convince myself to skip my third social event of the week tonight. I hate missing out. But I must take care of myself. 

God has just felt far away recently. In my mind, I know He is never far. But my heart could not feel it. But something interesting always happens to me when I reach these breaking points - I am always faced with the decision to either handle them on my own or turn to God. I have found the former option to lead to nothing but a deeper plunge into the darkness of my breaking point. But the latter - seems almost impossible to reach from the dark abyss. You must truly plead and reach up and grasp with all the strength you have left to ask for help. But it's always worth it. God is always there to pick you up and pull you out of the ocean of stimulation you are drowning in. Here are two thoughts related to this: 

1. God never changes. He is always good, always faithful, ALWAYS there. If it feels like He is not, we are the ones that need to step closer. You don't even have to believe it - it is just the absolute truth from God's word. 

"For the Lord is good, and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." ~Psalm 100:5 

"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." ~Hebrews 13:5 

These are just a few examples. Read any book of the Bible, and you will see that's God's faithfulness to his people never changes. He always keeps His promises. 

I get overstimulated; my world feels and often genuinely is complete chaos. But God is stable. He's not overwhelmed, and offers complete peace if we run back into His arms. 

A supplementary song: "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. 

You are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me...

2. "What if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?" 
This is a hard one that you won't understand until you have experienced it. Each time that I reach my breaking point and choose to call out to God I have this realization: God loves me so much and wants me to turn to him so much that he was willing to allow me to reach this breaking point so I had no choice but to restore my relationship with Him. I don't believe that God necessarily causes the suffering. We live in a broken world, and that's why we suffer. God turns that suffering into something beautiful.  

Then, believe it or not, I am thankful for the hard times! It's crazy, I know, but I truly am. Because it restores me to the very relationships that I was created for. The pain is worth it because it brings me back to the Only One who can truly pick up all my broken pieces and put them back together. 

The suffering makes me a stronger person. 

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces persevereance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ~Romans 5:3-5 

Another supplementary song, because I can relate so much to worship music. "Blessings" by Laura Story: 

So remember this through whatever hard time you are facing (HSP or not) - God never changes, no matter how far away He may feel; and use the hard times to point you up toward that God who never changes rather than further down. 

Paralyzed

For me as an HSP, live performance, specifically unrehearsed, can be a tremendous challenge. 

The knowledge that I will have to do such a performance in the near future captures my every thought until the event. During the performance, stimulation is coming at me from all angles. I am faced with surprising situations, one after the other. Furthermore, the reactions and judgement of my audience weigh heavily upon me, as I can feel their opinions so strongly. And under the pressure, there is no time to process one feeling before the next one has arrived. The stimulation from before and during the performance builds up so much, that the torture continues and even increases after the event is over. After it's over, I'm faced with the recurrent thoughts and sharp permanence of what has been said and done. 

The entire experience is paralyzing. 

You see, at my medical school, we have graded assignments called "standardized patient." I'm required to act as "doctor" to a "patient" who is an actor, faking a medical history and symptoms. The encounter and following documentation is strictly timed. And the entire performance is video taped, to be watched later by peers and actual physicians where they grade your every move and word. You have a general idea what to expect, and you can practice general history taking and exam skills. But every time I go into that room with that camera and the clock running, those darn actor patients never fail to surprise me. I have simply concluded that I cannot know what to expect. And that terrifies me. 

I have found that nothing I do helps. I can practice more, pray more, alter my mindset about the situation. But no matter what, when I get in there, it feels like pure chaos. I barely have time to think about what my mouth is going to say or what my hands are going to do next before it's happening before my eyes. But time is limited, and I must keep moving. 

The fear of the unknown in the days before my test are paralyzing. I can't seem to focus on anything else. My sympathetic nervous system is on overdrive. I can feel my muscles tensing up at the thought of what's to come. And there is the is dull, aching, continuous pain, which is essentially fear,  in the background of whatever I do. Nothing makes it better. 

The week or so following each of my standardized patient encounters has elicited some of the darkest times of my life. I feel worse than before, because I realize I can't change what's been recorded on that video. (I've discovered that permanence is an HSP's enemy.)I have tried everything in my power to get my mind off the performance - watch a movie, exercise, spend time with friends, even talk it out with someone. But the nightmares never fail to sneak up on me. I won't have thought about my performance all day - and then I close my eyes: like a tsunami, the entire encounter is replayed in my head against my control. Every word and every action is replayed, but this time with intense criticism and deep regret.  I fight it, but it always wins. I may manage to fall asleep. But then I dream of the encounter and wake up with intense memories of it. It's inescapable. It's the most peculiar thing I've ever experienced. And that constant underlying pain takes a while to go away. Like many other dark times, only time can heal. Maybe one day, I'll be lucky enough to discover another solution. 

Tomorrow is my next standardized patient exam.Wish me luck.