Sensitivity, Anxiety, and Depression

I had never felt so sick in my life. Suddenly, the nausea became so severe that I could feel my stomach and esophagus cramping in reverse peristalsis like they were trying to eject a toxic poison form my body as fast as possible. I ran to the bathroom, but could not bring myself to vomit. All of my limbs began to shake out of my control and I felt a tingling sensation everywhere from the skin on my face to my toes. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I had an overwhelming certainty that this was probably what it felt like to be dying. 

No one else was home and I didn't know what else to do, so I called a friend. I expressed my fear over what unknown phenomenon was happening in my body. Then in an emotional outburst, I expressed the frustrations I had experienced in school that day. 

Then like a switch,  I felt better. The nausea resolved, the trembling stopped. 

It felt like I had been sick for hours. I was surprised to look at the time and realize that only mere minutes had passed. 

Then it hit me. I had just had a panic attack. 

~~~~~~~~

I've always wondered if I have depression. By that I mean depression that can be clinically diagnosed as such. I can't objectively see the line between my feelings being due to being an HSP and actual clinical depression. 

Recently I have also begun to wonder if I have some type of anxiety disorder. Someone recently pointed out to me that I am constantly anxious, and that this aspect of my life was likely hindering my learning and education. 

I've taken countless online quizzes that attempt to determine if I have these disorders. They almost always say I do not. Maybe it's just because I know what the answers should be. No I have not "lost interest in things I used to enjoy." I've just never had hobbies. And no I do not "live in constant fear that something bad is going to happen." I just try very hard to keep everything in my control so it does not overwhelm me. 

Whether or not my symptoms meet DSM-V criteria for a psychological disorder, the reality is that these aspect of my life cause me enough grief and diminished quality of life, that I feel they are worth seeking out and addressing. But what then? I'm terrified of actually talking a doctor about this. Then other people may find out about it and see right through the happy-put-together person I have worked so hard to build in my life. Or the doctor will just think I'm a hypochondriac medical student. 

But the idea of getting help makes me so excited. I dream of talking to a Christian counselor and actually not feeling trapped in my head and my cycle of thoughts. I dream of taking a pill that can actually stabilize my mood, my anxiety, my emotions. 

On the other hand, I question if anything like that will ever actually work. Even worse, I question if I actually need it. I worry that I may manipulate a doctor into giving me something that is not what I need.  I worry that I'm just trying to use this "depression and anxiety thing" as an excuse for my laziness in taking care of myself emotionally and physically. Perhaps this is all my fault. 

I worry that my family and friends will start to see this as a bigger deal than it is, making it even worse for me. Maybe what I'm really afraid of is the label. 

But until I try it, I will always wonder whether taking and antidepressant could improve my quality of life. I wish there was more info out there about HSPs and their experience with taking antidepressants. I've googled the topic with very little success. 

Maybe one of these days, I'll just have to get over my fears and try. But you see, that is just the problem... 

What's the Point?

"What's the point? The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in a world that is such a horrible place."

"Yes."

"What?" 

"Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness in the face of all that -- that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible and knowing that you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's the point." 

~Grey's Anatomy, Season 5 Episode 3 "Here Comes the Flood" 

Rejection Hurts

Rejection hurts everyone. It's part of being human: we long to be accepted. But I am thoroughly convinced that rejection hurts me deeper and longer as an HSP. I've written on my "emotional pain." Rejection plays a major role in this. 

In one of the lists I am ever so affectionate about, here are the reasons: 

1. As a highly sensitive person, I am more aware of rejection. I pick up on the subtlest comments people make that may indicate that they don't want me there. For example, I was supposed to spend the whole day with someone tomorrow. In a passing comment, they said "you have other plans for the afternoon, right?" Yes, this could be viewed in many ways. But given the context, my sensitivity immediately made me aware that this person was hoping that I would NOT be spending the afternoon with them. I could be wrong, but I trust my sensitivity. This person did not know that I had changed my plans to ensure that my day would be spent entirely with them. They obviously do not feel as strongly about spending the entire day with me. [For the record, this is not a guy I am interested in, and it's not even a male for that matter!] 

Anyway, this is just one example. I am constantly aware of people's lack of a smile in response to my "good morning." I can even tell when someone is faking a smile. When people don't express an interest in me enough to simply ask me how my day is going or how I'm doing that morning, to me that is a form of rejection. Call me too sensitive. But it's how I feel. And it is NOT a choice or a method of applying self pity. I would give anything not to feel this way. 

2. As an HSP, I have a much stronger response to this rejection. See my previous post on my insomnia and fear of lying in bed. I won't re-hash all the thoughts I expressed there, but rejection plays a major role in those feelings and issues. It's like the feelings people experience after a break up. But exponentially worse because it is in response to much smaller things. When someone doesn't smile back and you or doesn't want to spend an afternoon with you and you go home and feel hurt and cry like you just ended a serious long term romantic relationship, something is not right. It's just not normal. And again, NOT a choice. Sometime I just hurt, and I have to just allow my brain to over-analyze the day before I uncover the minor rejection that occurred hours ago but is subconsciously still haunting me. 

3. I have adapted a "quiet personality" due to my intense fear of facing this rejection. If I just don't talk, then no one will notice me and have a chance to reject me. If I don't engage in conversation, I markedly decrease my risk of being rejected. This is one of the reasons I have become known as "shy" in my life. I have subconsciously hidden behind my introversion to avoid rejection because I know how bad it can hurt me. Now, I just feel like people reject me because I'm so quiet in social settings. I hate to be so pessimistic, but this cycle just never ends for me, does it? 

Rejection hurts. Rejection hurts HSPs even more both because they are more aware of it and because they feel it so much stronger. To other HSPs out there who feel this: you are not alone. Comment below and share your experiences and examples. 

Please don't reject this post or I might cry. But seriously. 

Scared to Go to Bed

Tonight, I'm scared to get into bed. 

My bed is just a dark place. I reach a dark place way to often there. 

The recurrent thoughts have been haunting me. Even more, the fear of  them has. I've always had them, but I've recently become keenly aware of the severe distress they cause me. 

Why I'm scared to go to bed (in a nice list): 
1. As soon as I'm alone with my thoughts, my brain replays the entire day for me. Every thought, every action, every feeling, every decision. The over stimulation is severe and completely out of my control. 
2. These thoughts occur regardless of the nature of the stimulation. I had a good day today. And exciting day. Apparently a little too exciting for my highly sensitive spirit. But essentially, any day with any stimulation at all is to "exciting" for me. Combine that with a few negative feelings from the day, and you have World War III inside my poor mind. 
3. Over-stimulation --> recurring thoughts --> Depressive thoughts. Enough said. 
4. These thoughts occur particularly when I lay down to go to sleep. Sometimes it even wakes me up in the middle of the night or carries on into my dreams. As long as I'm up, I can potentially distract myself from allowing the thoughts to invade. It's like all day I try with all my strength to hold up the dam of my feelings from the stimulation. But I am so weak. As soon as I close my eyes and try to relax, the dam breaks and I become flooded. It's painful and scary and completely out of my control. And it's inevitable. 
5. These feelings are completely out of my control. I've kinda said this point already, but I repeat it because this is the part that bothers me the most. Why can't I control myself? Why can't I have some sort of say in how my heart responds to things? Why does every little thing bother me, despite how much I attempt to convince myself it's only a little thing? Too many questions, and not enough answers. 
6. I've never heard anyone else express this struggle. This leads me into a cycle of self pity and extreme shame. I've googled, read blogs, read books. I can't seem to find anyone else out there with this same problem. 

 I'm usually better by morning, but not always. It's always 100 times worse at night though.  

Things I've tried and their success rates (so you can't say I didn't try): 
1. Television. Really the thing I try to use the most, which is ironic because it's essentially always ineffective. Sometime even counter-productive because I begin to dwell on the fact that my life will never be as happy or perfect as that of the fictional characters. 
2. Music. Once the emotional effects and feelings wear off, the dam comes crashing in. 
3.  "Art therapy." I'm not an artist, but using the drawing app on my tablet or just coloring or sketching a bit is actually a little helpful in relieving the stimulation. The problem with this is it often takes too much effort out of my already worn body. And I actually have to have something I want to draw or at least try drawing for this to work. Same idea with writing, which I also enjoy. 
4. Meds. Your typical tyelnol, advil, benadryl, other sleep aids like melatonin. I also have a prescription for migraines/tension headaches that I take (always as prescribed). These help with what they were made to help with, which is not emotional pain, no matter how much I try to tell myself otherwise. 
5. Talking it out with someone. Actually makes it worse, no matter who the person is. All I end up with is another stimulating conversation to dwell on. 
6.  Praying. I thought this one was supposed to work? 

Things I know might help, but I can't bring myself far enough out of my deep pit to try: 
1. Reading the Bible or listening to sermons. 
2. Writing down positive or thankful thoughts. 
3. Exercise. Plus I truly hate exercise, you guys have no idea. 

The only thing that brings me some comfort is this remote idea: God has a plan in allowing me to experience this pain. It's part of some big picture that I can't see yet. 

And I just have to hold on to that for now. 

Off to bed I go. Wish me luck. 

I Only Wish I Could Trust

As the night grows darker
I fill it with vanity and lust
To hide from the deep pain 
Because I refuse to trust. 

The ache is just too strong!
I numbed, I cried, I cussed. 
I feel so weak and fragile 
But I still can't trust. 

I feel guilty it's all my fault! 
This pain is not unjust. 
I'm lost in another universe 
Where I just can't seem to trust.

I'm drowning, hopeless
My trophies collecting dust 
This could make me stronger. 
I only wish I could trust. 

Prisoner of My Own Mind

I can't stop thinking. No matter how hard I try, something else fills my mind. 

In life, there is so much to be thinking about and planning for. For some reason, my mind feels it's best to try to think about ALL of these things at the SAME TIME. After I complete a long list of things, I fool myself into thinking I'm free for at least a little bit. But no! My mind is quick to immediately begin making the next list of things that I need to do.

I believe this has to do with being an HSP. My mind is sensitive to all the upcoming deadlines and works excessively to make a calendar and map in my head of everything. I refuse to write lists down because I fear that I can never write everything down, and my mind will continue to work to remember those things I have forgotten to write down. Lists simply aren't worth it. Give me a deadline, and I immediately plug it into this virtual calendar I have at the forefront of my brain. It's a form of obsessiveness over the next activity. 

The problem with this is that I can't think. Wait, you may say, isn't that what you're doing? Well, yes. But I can't think for myself. It's like this internal clock and calendar controls me. It's like I'm an observer in my own life as this person that resembles me goes through all the motions. Suddenly, I realize I've checked almost everything off the list, but forgot to enjoy it or have any feelings about it as all. 

But aren't HSPs supposed to have a lot of feelings? Yes, we are. I've been trying to figure this one out. I'm sure I'm an HSP, but looking at my life this way seems inconsistent. I almost wonder if it's some kind of defense mechanism I've put into place to protect myself from feeling everything. Maybe one aspect of my high sensitivity (the planning aspect) has at some point overpowered the extremely emotional one. 

And this bothers me. It bothers me that I've accomplished so many things in life but haven't truly enjoyed them. It bothers me that this internal calendar controls me nearly more than my own free will does. It bothers me that I can't even sit for a minute without feeling guilty that I'm not actively checking things off my list; even if  I can't think of them at that moment, part of me just knows they are there and if they are I should be working on them. I can't imagine missing a deadline. 

And it bothers me more when I'm not busy. When I'm busy, I can't feel guilty cause I'm doing something that can be checked off the list. If there is stuff I'm forgetting, then I don't feel as bad about forgetting it or putting it off, well because I'm busy with other stuff on the list that I have deemed more important. When I'm not busy, I don't know what to do with myself. I can't enjoy anything fun till I know the list is complete. Which it never is. 

The conclusion? Well, there isn't one. This is just how I am. This is why I can't enjoy my relationship with God. Devotions and prayer just become another thing on the checklist, which takes the meaning out of them. If I try to actually spend time talking to God or trying to meditate on His word, my mind just gets flooded with the stupid list. I literally am always thinking about the next activity before the current one is even over. 

Yeah, this is complicated. 

When God is Overwhelming

5/4/2015, 3:30 pm

CC: I have an aching pain. 

HPI: 23 yo female presents with dull aching pain that began this morning. She has difficulty localizing it and describes it as "all over." Pain is a constant 7/10, but can become a sharp 10/10 at times. Better with studying and staying busy, worse after conversations, comments, and quiet time for thought. She states she experiences episodes like this several times a week.

PMH: Recurrent headaches, paresthesias of the face and limbs, insomnia 

Physical exam: no remarkable findings. 

Plan: supportive care; should resolve on it's own given enough time. 

If you haven't figured out already, this patient is me. Why do I put my feeling into the format of a documented medical note? Because that's exactly how I feel. I feel sick. But medically, I'm not.

Everything is just so overwhelming right now - school, my relationships, loneliness, doubting my identity.

As if that's not enough, the one place I'm trying to go for comfort is only adding to my stimulation.

The truth is, right now, my relationship with God is just one more thing that can contribute to my over stimulation. I sit there and try to talk to God but I get overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, responsibility, even the things I want to say. Then I try to read the Bible, and it's like I can't get through a verse without feeling so confused about everything it could possibly relate to or mean. I know I'm highly sensitive, but I think I'm even extra sensitized right now. Anything and everything is pushing me off the edge. Not just making me a little upset, but like making me go crazy.

This has always been a struggle with me in my walk with God. I don't read the Bible because I don't know where to start. I don't pray because I start and then I realize there are so many things I could be praying for and I have no way of prioritizing them. I sit in church and it seems like there are a million points the pastor makes that I need to work on or meditate on. I can't remember them all for sure, so then I just shut down and remember none of them. I've always struggled with this, but never like now.

I hate being highly sensitive. I just wish I could handle everything. I wish I was strong enough. And I wish I could just talk to God. I know God is still there watching out for me. But I just feel too helpless and overwhelmed to enjoy my relationships with Him right now.

All I'm saying is something has got to go so I can stay sane. And unfortunately it's not going to be school right now. I simply don't feel like it's a choice. Or maybe it's a choice I made a some other point with consequences now. I hate to say it, but right now, what's going to happen is inevitable.